I feel like I have to continue proving myself

no you do not.

2014, 24 year old female wearing a blue blazer, green top, and cross bag at her first networking event. Connections made: 0 - 0 .

I start my first blog post with an image directly from my old Facebook account (reason it’s fuzzy) to paint the picture to my reader. A young brown female professional, wearing her only blazer paired with her only black skirt at her first networking event (also regrettably - my clubbing uniform). I also regret to report that at the end of this conference, I made zero connections and left that place feeling less than prepared for the workforce or any professional setting. I neither knew how to start a conversation, continue it or add value to it. I felt like I had much to prove an that until I did so, no one would see me, give me a chance, or care what I had to say.

The fear of being judged was too great and thus, I stayed seated on the very chair this picture was taken. But my feeling of having to prove myself to others did not start at this event and it continued until very recently in my career.

When does this feeling of proving oneself start? I don’t know for you, but for me, it was not a culminating event, it was a myriad. Whether it was the bible thumping pastor that told me I had to be married to lead that ministry, or the teacher who did not think I would win the election, or the boss who did not think I could run that program. The experiences are countless, and maybe this is a multi-series blog where I expand on those many experiences. Despite their damage, I know they were all wrong. I ran that children’s ministry despite my singlehood (quit because of the clubbing), and I did win that damn election, and I did run that program and made it a department.

I did not know then, but I proved to them time and time again, that despite their doubt in me, I could do it. I was winner on paper, my batting average was indisputable (I know nothing of baseball), and despite all that, during my career, I could not see it. I found myself in the cycle of continuing to prove and showing, and presenting and proposing to everyone that I knew what I was doing, that I could do it. I was more than capable, more than I ever gave myself credit.

When and how did this all change you may ask? I am sad to say that it was not until now, in my mid thirties that I realize that I did not have to prove any one anything and that it was all about my self-worth (cue Mr. Feeny or Danny Tanner for this deep revelation). This was in fact a revelation to me since it was not ingrained in me, but rather beat down by family, teachers, supervisors ( people we look up to). Because those external individuals who did not believe in me then, and still do not now. And despite all evidence, their perception of me will not change. I was the one that stopped caring about their approval, I gave them the power in the first place. I can take it away. I do not have to prove anything to anyone, I am neither in a science fair not a dance battle and the results only matter to me. They will manifest beyond my LinkedIn and my resume. They will be evident in the joy I feel in the work I produce and the clients that seek me.

Looking back, that young woman in that picture felt the weight and the loneliness of being a new young professional. If only, I would have known that I was not alone and that my peers at that same conference felt the same. We were all trying our best and in reality, did not have to prove anything to anyone.